This is an old post.. VERY VERY VERY old. But it seemed like just yesterday...


Yesterday, or was it the day before, or a month ago... or years ago.
It haunts me. Not only that. It leaves marks visible for everyone to see.
I always thought I'd never go anywhere. And I haven't, didn't and will not.
Because I know that was the period. Where the beginning of the end started.
When

I lost myself.

Twas the night I found a pool. Black but translucent. I dipped my fingers into it and found it was warm.
Fascination.

I let my tears dissolve in it. And slowly I entered it.
Addiction.

It fascinates me in an indescribable way. How sickening.
Yet I refuse to let go.

For years and years... I've never told a soul about everything that happened. I can't.
It hurts.

T'was the night I died. When I realised after years and years that everyhing had changed and I could do nothing but blame myself.
WHO ELSE IS THERE TO BLAME??

And I cried until my heart couldn't take it. And I cried until I was out of breath. And I cried until my hands couldn't stop trembling.


Twas the night when I was having too much inside. Too much for me to take.
And I begged... I begged for it to go away. But it didn't.


I have changed. Let's face it.
Life's a bitch. So am I.
Although I hate being one. I HATE getting you disappointed. I HATE getting you hurt.
I WANT to make you happy. But YOU want to make me happy. Ah, that is something which is already unattainable, my (dear). Because the dream is long gone.

Don't you understand? The only reason why I'm still living is because I have no choice but to accept.
And to survive, I force myself to feel it is right.
Even though it doesn't at all.
No, it doesn't.

Don't keep accepting.
That is what she tells me.
What a joke.

Yesterday I screamed. Because I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

The sun's getting cold and it's snowing.

It hurts that I can't remember sunlight.

11:07 AM; untitledBEAUTY | It's complete randomness.Y

Sometimes I wonder how
it all got messed up.
Sometimes it feels like
nothing happened.

8:10 AM; untitledBEAUTY | It's complete randomness.Y

==STANDING OVATION==
WHOO!! YOU FINALLY PROVED TO BE A HYPOCRITE!!
I'm elated. For you.
Oh, don't forget to thank me in your speech for being 'nothing' in your life.
Looking at me like other bitches do. Like, oh she's the attention seeking desperate tooot. I'M NOT. I'm JUST mE. HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN? I THINK YOU HAVE.
I THINK YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN I AM STILL AFFECTED. AND I DON'T KNOW IF YOU CARE, I JUST WANT TO ADMIT THAT.

DO I LOOK LIKE A MESSAGE TRANSMITTER?
JUST BECAUSE YOU GUYS DONT LIVE TOGETHER DOESNT MEAN I HAVE TO BE THE MIDDLEMAN. IT'S A PAIN, putting it simply.

==But you put on quite a show, really had me going.==

Now it's time for ME to go. Curtains finally closing.
I don't NEED you to be happy. =)

6:31 AM; untitledBEAUTY | It's complete randomness.Y

Never trust anyone that you have been hanging out with. They might just be the ones that bring you down.

Never tell too much to someone who keeps insisting to be your best friend. Someday it will hurt, one way or another.

Never get too close to too many people. One day you'll not know who's the real one you can count on.

Never open your heart to nice people. Because nice people make mistakes too. And you lose them, and they lose you.

So what can I do?

...

...

...

Nothing, I guess.

Just trust the ones that were there for you from the start, the ones you have been counting on and have never wavered when facing things together.

What about the new people?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Never, I guess.

12:09 AM; untitledBEAUTY | It's complete randomness.Y

Two. Three including me.

I breathe.

I am standing at the edge of the jetty.
A stranger. He beckons me to come back. Come back to land.
But I can't hear him. He speaks too softly.

Another calls me to his boat. It sings.

But I turn away and step towards land. With every step, it gets louder.

The noise is too much for me to bear, the silence too much for me to understand.

I turn around. I run down the jetty.
And jump over the boat, into the water, where maybe I could save myself instead.

8:29 AM; untitledBEAUTY | It's complete randomness.Y

Someone covers my mouth.

...
Ssh.

...
Don't speak. Or they will hear you.


She looks at me with eyes of an angel, glistening and glowing. Her long hair sways in the wind.

Her white dress is torn.

I understand. She has been in this place before.

She brings me to a calm and peaceful lake. I look in the waters.
I see nothing.

...
Ssh.


..
Look again, closer.

And I see something,...

But it was nothing about me.

1:30 AM; untitledBEAUTY | It's complete randomness.Y

Air. She's gasping for it, shivering in the torrential rain.
The wind which once gave it to her is now getting it out of her.
A clock on the floor, half-hidden in the sand, is spinning, its hands out of control.

The ticking becomes louder, until she can't even hear her own screams.
Her vision is dimming. She blinks harder. She thinks she sees someone walking. She shouts.

The person turns. But he doesn't do anything.

She yells louder this time. He just stares.

Make it stop. Make everything stop, she shouts.

She thinks she hears him say something, but she is not sure.

She remembers this feeling. She has had this feeling before. The lonely feeling.
Just as she is about to succumb to the pain, she hears another voice.

To be continued.

6:05 AM; untitledBEAUTY | It's complete randomness.Y